What Actually Helps a Kid Grow Into a Healthy, Successful Adult?

Every generation of parents worries they’re screwing up their kids.

Are they getting enough opportunities?

Should they be in more activities?

Are they spending too much time online?

Are we pushing them too hard?

Are we not pushing them hard enough?

Should we be protecting them from more of the shit happening in the world?

There are thousands of books, podcasts, parenting experts and Instagram accounts willing to tell us what we’re doing wrong.

But when you actually look at the research into what helps children grow into healthy, capable adults, the answer isn’t nearly as complicated as we’ve made it.

They need people who give a shit about them.

They need stability.

They need expectations.

They need to know they belong somewhere.

They need to move their bodies.

They need routines.

They need adults they can talk to.

They need opportunities to fail, figure things out and try again.

And they need to know that when life eventually punches them in the mouth — because it will — there are people standing behind them.

The Research Is Actually Pretty Clear About Relationships

One of the more interesting recent studies looked at what researchers call Positive Childhood Experiences.

Researchers analyzed adult data from four U.S. states and looked at seven experiences people had growing up.

Things like:

Feeling safe and protected by an adult.

Having friends who supported them.

Feeling like their family stood behind them.

Having adults outside their immediate family who genuinely cared about them.

Being able to talk to their family about what they were going through.

Feeling like they belonged at school.

Participating in community traditions.

The adults who reported more of these positive experiences also tended to have better health and life outcomes. Researchers found associations with better opportunities in adulthood, fewer health-risk behaviours and lower levels of some chronic diseases.

That doesn’t mean having family dinners magically prevents disease.

It means something bigger.

The environment we’re creating around our kids matters long after they stop being kids.

And interestingly, positive childhood experiences aren’t simply the opposite of childhood trauma. Research increasingly suggests that positive experiences can provide protection and resilience even when shitty things happen.

Because shitty things will happen.

The goal isn’t to engineer a childhood where nothing ever goes wrong.

The goal is to give your kid a foundation strong enough to deal with it.

Your Relationship With Your Kid Matters More Than Being a Perfect Parent

Another large U.S. study followed more than 15,000 adolescents into adulthood.

Researchers looked at characteristics of their relationships with their mothers and fathers during their teenage years and compared them with health outcomes when those kids were adults.

Some of the things associated with better outcomes later?

Parental warmth.

Communication.

Spending time together.

Having expectations around school.

Being satisfied with the relationship with their parents.

And discipline that involved explaining consequences and reasoning rather than simply punishing.

Think about that for a minute.

None of those require money.

None require a private school.

None require your kid to play elite hockey at nine years old.

None require some elaborate parenting philosophy.

Your kid needs to know you love them.

They need you to talk to them.

They need you to spend time with them.

And they need you to expect something from them.

That last one matters.

Loving your children doesn’t mean expecting nothing from them.

Kids Actually Need Expectations

There’s a version of parenting that seems to have confused support with removing every obstacle.

I don’t think that’s doing kids any favours.

Your kid should have responsibilities.

They should occasionally have to do things they don’t want to do.

They should understand that other people are counting on them.

They should learn that actions have consequences.

They should know that sometimes you’re tired and you still have to get your ass out of bed.

Sometimes you lose.

Sometimes somebody else is better than you.

Sometimes you don’t make the team.

Sometimes you study hard and still get a shitty mark.

Sometimes your boss is difficult.

Sometimes your friend disappoints you.

That’s life.

Our responsibility isn’t to eliminate those experiences.

It’s to make sure our kids have somewhere safe to bring them when they happen.

That’s a massive distinction.

Safety isn’t the absence of adversity.

Safety is knowing you aren’t alone when adversity arrives.

Family Support Is a Big Fucking Deal

Canadian research tells a very similar story.

Public Health Agency of Canada research into Canadian youth found family support was consistently associated with better mental-health indicators. Kids who reported stronger family support tended to report greater life satisfaction and well-being and less loneliness and fewer health complaints.

And this showed up across grades, genders and income levels.

Again, we’re not talking about creating a perfect household.

We’re talking about kids knowing:

These are my people.

Home should be the place where a kid can screw something up and still know they belong.

That doesn’t mean there aren’t consequences.

It means consequences and love aren’t the same thing.

You can be pissed at your kid.

You can discipline your kid.

You can tell them what they did was completely unacceptable.

You can take away the phone, ground them, make them fix what they broke or apologize to the person they hurt.

And they should still go to bed knowing you love them.

Those things can exist at the same time.

Do Shit Together

Here’s another one that sounds almost ridiculously simple.

Move.

Preferably together.

Statistics Canada recently examined data from Canadian adolescents and found that kids who participated in physical activity with their families more frequently were more likely to meet physical-activity recommendations and reported better mental-health outcomes.

The association was substantial.

Compared with teens who said they never exercised with their families, those who did so daily had much higher odds of reporting high life satisfaction and high perceived mental health.

That doesn’t mean you need to become a fitness family.

Walk the dog.

Go fishing.

Kick a soccer ball around.

Ride bikes.

Hike.

Shoot hoops.

Go swimming.

Throw a football.

Work in the yard.

Go walk around the neighbourhood and talk about absolutely nothing important.

Our kids don’t necessarily need another organized activity.

Sometimes they just need us to get off the couch and go do something with them.

Boring Routines Matter Too

Researchers recently followed nearly 3,000 children from large U.S. cities and examined everyday routines in early childhood and health later in adolescence.

We’re talking extremely exciting parenting innovations here:

Eating together.

Reading.

Having a bedtime routine.

That’s it.

Early childhood routines predicted routines later in adolescence, and having a regular bedtime at age three was associated with better reported health at age fifteen.

There is something powerful about predictability for kids.

Knowing dinner happens.

Knowing bedtime happens.

Knowing Dad shows up.

Knowing Mom shows up.

Knowing someone is going to ask how school went.

Knowing someone will notice when something isn’t right.

We sometimes underestimate these things because they don’t feel extraordinary.

But maybe that’s the point.

A healthy childhood is built out of thousands of completely ordinary days.

They Need Other Good Adults Too

There’s another lesson in the research that I think parents sometimes overlook.

You shouldn’t be the only adult your kid can count on.

Positive childhood experience research specifically identifies having multiple adults who take a genuine interest in a child.

That could be a grandparent.

An uncle.

An aunt.

A teacher.

A coach.

A neighbour.

A friend’s parent.

A mentor.

Someone who knows your kid’s name and actually gives a shit what happens to them.

That’s important because eventually your kid is going to experience something they don’t want to tell you about.

As much as we might hate that idea, it’s reality.

I’d much rather my kid have another good adult to call than nobody.

Build a village around your kids.

And be part of somebody else’s village too.

Mental Health Doesn’t Mean Never Feeling Bad

I think we’ve also made a mistake in how we sometimes talk about mental health.

Good mental health doesn’t mean being happy all the time.

The CDC describes childhood mental health partly in terms of reaching developmental and emotional milestones, learning healthy social skills and learning how to cope when problems happen.

That last part matters.

How to cope when problems happen.

Anxiety isn’t automatically evidence that something has gone horribly wrong.

Sadness isn’t automatically something that needs to be eliminated.

Disappointment isn’t trauma.

Failure isn’t damage.

These are human emotions and human experiences.

Our kids need to learn what to do with them.

Talk about them.

Understand them.

Ask for help when they need it.

Get professional help when it’s warranted.

But also develop the confidence that says:

This feels shitty right now, but I can get through shitty things.

That’s resilience.

Successful Doesn’t Just Mean Making Money

There’s also something worth saying about the word “successful.”

I want my kids to be successful.

Absolutely.

But I don’t define success as having the biggest house or making the most money.

I want them to be able to support themselves.

I want them to have meaningful relationships.

I want them to take care of their bodies.

I want them to have people they can call at 2:00 in the morning.

I want them to know how to work.

I want them to know how to rest.

I want them to be able to love somebody.

I want them to be dependable.

I want them to be curious.

I want them to be able to admit when they’re wrong.

I want them to be able to stand up for themselves when they’re right.

I want them to treat people well.

And I want them to have enough confidence in themselves that one failure doesn’t destroy their sense of who they are.

That’s success.

So What Actually Matters?

When you strip away all the parenting trends and bullshit, the research keeps bringing us back to some pretty basic things.

Love your kids.

Not just privately. Make sure they actually know it.

Spend time with them.

Not every minute. Not every day filled with some magical bonding experience. Just consistently be there.

Have expectations.

Expect them to contribute. Expect them to try. Expect them to treat people properly.

Give them some structure.

Meals. Sleep. School. Responsibilities. Traditions. Things they can count on.

Move together.

Take care of your body and teach them that taking care of theirs matters too.

Let other good people into their lives.

Kids benefit from knowing there are multiple adults in their corner.

Talk to them.

Especially when they become teenagers and occasionally seem like the last fucking thing they want to do is talk to you.

Let them struggle sometimes.

Don’t immediately fix everything.

And make home somewhere they know they can come back to.

That’s the part I keep coming back to.

We’re not raising children for childhood.

We’re raising future adults.

Adults who will eventually have jobs, relationships, bills, heartbreaks, setbacks, families and problems we won’t be able to solve for them.

We cannot prepare the road for every situation our kids will encounter.

But we can prepare our kids for the road.

And according to a growing body of research, one of the best ways to do that isn’t some revolutionary parenting technique.

It’s showing up.

Again.

And again.

And again.